With well-wishers pouring their concerns in, I felt more ill than I really was. Their thoughtful comments defied by the lack of hope in their eyes, left me feeling miserable. Before I had even decided to put up a fight, everybody had already given up. What is tha they say about a batlle being lost for the lack of a will to win?
I was fighting an unknown enemy. Nobody could have claimed either experience or expertise to guide me in my battle to stay alive. All my doctor said was, "to fight cancer you really really have to want to stay alive. You have to want to win and want it so bad, that you make a friend of your foe. Do you want to live?"
I said no. I said I did not want to live tethered to the bed with unseen bonds. I did not want to live a life of dependency. I did not want to depend on people, or science or medicine. I did not want to wake up every morning, grateful that I am alive, but depressed at the existence I call my life. No I really did not want to win this war. I wanted to give in and put an end to it. The sooner the better.
He said his biggest enemy was me. He said he would not give up on me. He said he so badly wanted me to live a normal life again, that he would make me want it too. He would make me want to live. And together we had no choice, but to win.
My doctor. He made me come alive.
8 comments:
tell your doctor that I love him and give a big kiss frommy side :* and to you too hugs baby...i know you will win :)
thanks honey!
*hug* I feel better already!
:) just stay like that..better.. :)
I read all your posts, and to be honest they affected me deeply.
I won't sympathise Because you don't deserve such a paltry emotion. I can feel sympathy only towards stupid people. No amount of surgery will change them ;)right? :D
What I feel tough, is awe. That in spite of all your pain - sometimes mental pain is far worse than physical - you still haven't lost your spark.
I don't know you, but I still wish I could have been beside you during your trial, holding your hand and just giving you a few hugs ever now and then. Does than sound weird, coming from a stranger?
I know what you mean by this:
*Their thoughtful comments defied by the lack of hope in their eyes, left me feeling miserable. Before I had even decided to put up a fight, everybody had already given up.*
I once came to from a surgery, only to see people hovering around with such miserable expressions. I though I was going to die. Imbeciles :D
*HUGSS!*
For everything!
P.S.!!
A taurean? :D So is that an 'advance' B'day wish that I should be doling out.. or 'Belated'?
A belated and thanks! I am really glad I was able to be a part of my own birthday. I started writing here because I needed to vent out the emotions building up in me.
But then I stopped because I was spreading more pain than joy.
But sometimes every now and then I come here and type again.
But thanks for all your support. And no, you cannot be a stranger, for you really understand what I feel.
Thanks for not pitying me or sympathizing, for just letting this be
hey ,
Take care buddy..
I heard this somewhere -
Champions are not supernatural. They just fight one more sec when everyone else quits. Sometimes one more a sec of effort brings in the victory.
- wanted to share with you.
*hi5*
Best regards,
omi
hey ..just stumbled upon your blog...read your previous posts as well...take care of yourself...really nice to see that you still blogging...
Have myself been in and out of hospitals quite frequently in the recent times..and i totally agree on your observation about hospitals..
Hats off to your doctor...i strongly believe that present circumstances don't determine where you can go; they merely determine where you start
Best regards
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